Exploring Both Sides of The Friend Zone
There have been a few times in my life where I have found myself sitting around waiting for “that someone” to suddenly realize that I was “the one.”
I think we all fall prey to this disposition from time to time. We are — after all — squishy, hairless, and terrifying creatures that would rather play it cool than say what we feel. I think they call us humans? An odd name to arrive upon, but we’ll go with it because “they” don’t like to be questioned.
I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to want more in your relationships, and maybe, just maybe, the friend zone isn’t so bad.
You’re Normal, I Swear
Though others may call you crazy for feeling — trust me, you’re not. If you want more out of a relationship, though, you need to describe to yourself what that “thing” is.
Maybe you want someone to chat with from time to time and reminisce about life. Maybe you want to feel like that person is home for you — a safe space. Maybe it’s 100% carnal, and maybe it’s 100% not.
Ask yourself: Do I love them? If the answer is yes (which I hope it is because I’m a lover, not a fighter) — you can describe the way they affect you and the sentiments you both share when you come together.
In Greek mythology, Zeus cuts everyone in half, making it so humans would have to search for their other halves all their life in order to feel whole again. This is essentially where the idea of a “soul mate” came from.
Now, maybe that certain someone is your soul mate — if such a thing even truly exists. Yet, the search for love is not always linear, pleasant, or simple. It is not strictly romantic, friendly, or physical. Timing, maturity, and commitment play just as big of a role as the connection itself — and if you truly love someone, there is no room for controlling manipulative behaviors or unrealistic expectations. There is only the truth.
So let’s get into it.
The Ladder Of Platonic Love
I cannot speak about love and friendship without mentioning Plato’s Symposium and how the term “platonic” was derived and defined:
Platonic love is a love that unites souls with the truth. Though in modern times, we pretty much equate platonic relationships to “the friend zone”.
Love begins with desire — but not necessarily sexual desire. It is more so the desire to be near someone, or drawn towards them. In Plato’s Symposium, it is suggested that physical attraction is merely the starting point for love, but true beauty comes in different shapes and forms.
The ladder of love is outlined below:
A beautiful body — basically when you see someone, your head whips around and you think to yourself “dang, who’s that?” This is the first kind of love and I think most of us can agree that it is the most shallow, but sometimes that’s okay. This is merely the starting point.
All bodies are beautiful — according to standard Platonic doctrine, all beautiful bodies share something in common. That attraction to multiple people (or bodies) allows you to transcend your passion for any particular physical appearance and see something deeper in all.
Beautiful souls — the lover comes to realize that spiritual and moral beauty matter much more than physical beauty. We begin to yearn for interactions with noble characters that can help us to become better people. This is also where things start to get interesting.
Beautiful laws and institutions — Plato begins discussing love on a more societal level here. He says that beautiful laws and institutions are created by beautiful souls. And these become places where beautiful (good) things abound freely. This could be mutual philosophies, beliefs, politics, or lifestyle choices.
The beauty of knowledge — when we turn our attention to all kinds of knowledge, but particularly, philosophical understanding. Presumably, because philosophical wisdom is the search for truth, which underpins good laws and institutions. In a relationship, this is the ability to search for the truth together without judgment.
The form of the truly beautiful — this is the final rung of the ladder, described as “an everlasting loveliness which neither comes nor goes, which neither flowers nor fades.” It is the very essence of beauty, “subsisting of itself and by itself in an eternal oneness.” This sort of love makes physical nature irrelevant.
Plato was a smart guy, and I would say that he wanted more from love than just sex. He wanted to understand the depth of connection that is humanly possible between each of us.
That connection, truthfully, transcends labels.
As they say, love is the desire for beauty or wisdom and it is expressed through physical or ideological reproduction.
If we are lucky and we work at it, our relationships lead to the reproduction of the beauty that we so admire in the people around us. We, as a society, are defined in all the ways that such beauty shapes us. Biologically, we have sexual desires (no one is denying that), but intellectual compatibility is something else entirely.
Verdicts on the Friend Zone
When we ask ourselves what we want out of a relationship, we are really asking ourselves what is it about this person that we admire or desire. At that point, we can see whether it is physical, moral, or intellectual. Do you just want to hook up with others — or do you want to develop your beliefs and ideas about the world with them?
There’s a difference.
I think it’s pretty comforting to know that the idea of “love” and “desire” has been debated for millennia. It’s an intrinsic part of the human condition to desire love and appreciate beauty. However, we live in a society that puts the beauty of youth on such a high pedal stool that we often don’t look for the depths of love that are possible with a potential love interest.
The world of dating apps has become increasingly popular. It’s easier than ever to sample and dispose of people without ever truly understanding who they are or how they may affect you. It can be fun to fulfill that first rung on the ladder by pursuing physical beauty, but eventually, most of us need more.
The connection that you have with a friend, in the friend zone, may just end up being more meaningful in the long run. But, it takes two people wanting to explore the connection. During the dialogue, it is argued that the concept of Eros inspires us to explore the difference between ordinary desire and a more “heavenly” form of love.
Interpret that how you will.
Here are some tips to grow your relationships:
Expect respect, but nothing more
Be considerate of each other's desires
Understand the values that you share
Talk about the things that matter to you
Be honest about what the person means to you
Value the relationship more than the label
Keeping these things in mind, I’m sure that your relationships will flourish in the ways that they are “meant” to — and you will learn valuable lessons (as long as you have the right attitude about it).
The True Final Summary
If your goal is to find your “other half”, then that is perfectly fine. However, you’ll need to understand your own desires and connection to others. Maybe along the way in your search, you will find all the many parts of you, in others, that ultimately become your “tribe” and chosen family.
That wouldn’t be the worst-case scenario.
I can’t imagine where I would be without any of the platonic loves that shaped the way I see beauty in the world and myself. As the philosophers before us suspected: beauty has many forms — but the most virtuous form is that which transcends the physical realm altogether.
The friend zone is what you make of it, and if you see it as a bad thing, then you will miss out on the beauty that it may have to offer. All relationships deserve our patience, respect, and consideration. Enjoy the search and don’t worry about the destination.
And if you’re thinking about telling that certain someone that you want more, I’ll tell you what I’ve always told myself:
“Proceed with caution, but proceed.”