The Myth of Happiness

Happiness is a peculiar concept, and I think it is specific to the language you speak and the culture you inhabit. To say: “I am happy” always rings as a temporary statement to me. Happiness feels like something that happens to you, or happens upon you, at a moment's notice. I find this concept of “happiness” to be quite frustrating as a counselor, because it sets us up for disappointment.We should stop trying to manufacture happiness, and instead cultivate a feeling of content.

In my professional career and in my personal life, I have noticed a pattern amongst those that are more prone to anxiety or depression. They feel that happiness is scarce, and outside of their control. For some people, this is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, but more often, it is a subconscious choice. In popular culture, this is an unpopular opinion. It takes a specialist to distinguish between the two, and either way, those struggling with mood disorders deserve patience and respect.But nonetheless, it is valuable to note that the way that we feel and think is changeable and that there is a difference between temporary happiness, and lasting content.

In the wise words of Donald Draper,

“[Happiness] is just a moment before you need more happiness.”

In a consumerist society, this is exactly the status quo that marketing agencies are banking on. The more that you scroll through apps that make you want (to be what you’re not, or have what you don’t), the more companies can capitalize on your dissatisfaction. Happiness is something that people search for their whole lives but haven’t the slightest idea how to accept when it knocks on their door.It doesn’t matter how successful, smart, beautiful, popular, or wealthy you may be — if you’re incapable of feeling truly content with yourself — are you really happy?

Contentedness is a peaceful satisfaction, fulfillment, and gratitude that we must cultivate within ourselves.

In a way, happiness is more of an impulse than a feeling. It is something that takes hold of your being and then dissipates within seconds, primarily due to chemicals that are firing off in your brain: Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins! If you really want to feel happiness, you can manufacture a chemical reaction on a whim — whether it is through social media, exercise, a really good hair day, or medication— these reactions will always be fleeting. What we need to do is learn how to cultivate a feeling of contentedness, an attitude of self-acceptance, and reverent respect for the cycle of life that we exist within.

In Buddhist philosophy, there are four noble truths:

• The truth of suffering (Dukkha)

• The truth of the origin of suffering (Samudāya)

• The truth of the cessation of suffering (Nirodha)

• The truth of the path to the cessation of suffering (Magga)

I have known a lot of loss in my life, accompanied by heavy doses of change. Having lived in a number of different environments (countries and cultures), I have learned to adapt sensibly to my surroundings while maintaining a stillness that is uniquely my own, within.

Something about instability makes you appreciate the mundane.

When life is unpredictable — when unknown variables are all you can see — you are forced to sink or swim. You learn to trust yourself (because you would die otherwise) and you learn that instability is actually not as scary as you imagined. I attribute most of my peace to the pains I have endured and the understanding that pain has brought me. For truly,it is only when we understand our place in the system that we can change the system. How do we begin to understand our place though? How do we cultivate this feeling of content? How do we cease our suffering?

You have to ask yourself: “What do I know with absolute certainty?” Well, I know that I have five senses, and maybe a sixth sense that I sporadically trust. I know that I experience both physical and psychological pain. And I know that I experience both physical and psychological pleasure. I also know that my memories feel as real as the room I’m sitting in, yet there is no way that I can prove they actually happened.In fact, I can be certain that the way I remember the events in my life is mostly an inaccurate montage of images, infused with emotion, in loose chronological order.

To quote the film Waking Life,

“Remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting.”

Each time we remember something, we alter the memory slightly with our present recollection. It is for exactly this reason that people romanticize the past; feeling nostalgic for a time that they can’t even be sure existed. Now ask yourself again:

“What do I know with absolute certainty?”

The present moment and what I am actively perceiving are all that I know to be true. The past exists to aid only in the development of your inner wisdom: your sixth sense.You have been through the experiences that you have been through for a reason. You are meant to learn from your mistakes, not romanticize and repeat them.

When you focus on the present, put the past in perspective, and decide to want less of the manufactured happiness in favor of respect for the life we are living, it is not difficult to feel content and in return — happy. When suffering arises in your day-to-day life, or in more drastic ways (like the death of a loved one, a traumatic incidence, adjustment, or a sudden disaster), you must identify the origin of the suffering, and how it is impacting your thoughts and behaviors.

The biggest adversary to happiness is a lack of acceptance or the desire for more. When we get stuck in denial or get hung up on pride, we are blinded to the realities before us.The quicker that we accept the reality that we find ourselves in, the easier it will be to transition to the next logical step. You cannot go backwards in time, and you cannot leap forward. You cannot undo your choices, and you should stop wanting to.The human condition requires that we make peace with our choices and engage with the present!

Grounding techniques, Mindfulness practices, containment rituals, progressive muscle relaxation, and other tools to regulate your nervous system are the key.