The Truth About Nostalgia
Everywhere I look, I’m reminded of the past.I think to myself:
“I’ve seen something like this before, but I’m not sure where.”
My mind is constantly trying to put the pieces of the past together in the hopes that it will mean something, but sometimes the pieces don’t fit — and you know what? We can’t force it.
I start to think:
“Maybe the pieces aren’t real.”
Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me and I’m in this rabbit hole for hours until I end up back where I started: I’ve seen something like this before.
Anxiety and sadness swirl together as I try to define my desire to reminisce on a time that’s nearly unprovable, and that I most certainly can’t go back to. The nostalgia that each of us endure and revisit, is different; but it is nostalgia nonetheless.
Maybe for you, the pieces that you’re trying to fit together are “was that really love?” Or maybe it’s “where did it all go wrong?” Perhaps your nostalgia is more along the lines of thinking “things were better back then.” Or maybe it’s all of this and more.
Nostalgia is defined as:
A wistful or sentimental yearning for an irrecoverable condition from a former time in one’s life.
A yearning for one’s home, family, or friends, and the happiness associated with these people and places.
There are times when it seems that we are living in an ocean of nostalgia. We get stuck reaching for the past and miss out on living in the present. Who can blame us? There is comfort in the things we know, or have known. And there is something about the unattainable that seems to woo the best of us.
To help you out when you’re treading water in your own mind, I have listed four simple steps for when you’re trying to decide if those pieces really fit, or if your mind is playing tricks.
Use these steps to reel yourself back into the present for the sake of your future.
Step 1: Hindsight is Blind
I know the cliche saying: hindsight is 20/20. It’s supposed to signify thatif you only knew the outcome of the situation beforehand, then you could have done things differently. Maybe hindsight is actually blinding your present?
Looking back, you think you can see the ripple effects with clarity, and I’m not disputing this. But let me ask you something: why do you insist on tormenting yourself with “what if’s”?
If you spend your days looking backwards, even if it’s for the sake of clarity, and trying to better your future — at some point, the process becomes futile. You will never know, today, what you will discover tomorrow.
This is the cursed beauty of time.
If you discover something tomorrow, it will not change today. If you discover something in a month, you likely wouldn’t have discovered it without having experienced the month itself.
You can only learn so much by looking at the past, and to some degree, hindsight is blind. Things are not as clear or simple as we make them out to be in our memories.
The ripple effect maybe is clear, but the precise location of each ripple and the time it takes to get to the next fragment in space is not something you can explain or learn backwards.
Step 2: You Are Not a Wishing Well
As much as we might look back at the times when things were good (or the times we retrospectively realized were good), we must keep in our minds that we are not wishing wells.
Thinking about it over and over again will not bring things back. You are not Dorothy, tapping your shoes and reciting the mantra of “there’s no place like home.” Although that sentiment is entirely true, I have to instead promote this adored quote from James Baldwin:
“Home is not a place, but simply an irrevocable condition.”
Nothing and no one can exist in the present the way that they did in the past. To wish otherwise is to deny oneself the knowledge gained today. Even if you could go back home or get that time back — the odds and variables are still unpredictable by nature.
I know what it’s like to replay critical moments over and over again hoping to have changed something, but it’s just not realistic to think we would have accurate foresight in the past. It’s not productive to replay nuanced scenarios into the future when there are new problems to tackle.
Don’t make wishes, make choices.
Step 3: Dream Rationally
The pieces aren’t meant to fit perfectly together. They ebb and flow — both in and out of sync — the way that all things do. Chaos and order are constantly mingling but it is not our responsibility to control the universe.
We exist within a time and place that requires us to dream rationally for the sake of our future. How do we dream rationally in an unpredictable world?
You have to embrace the absurdity of this world and use it to your advantage. Prepare yourself for the loss of those elements that you will continue to crave, even if you did make it home again, and dream of a future that factors in the chaos you couldn’t see before.
The ability to adapt your dreaming to the realities that spread before you is what makes your dreams rational, and aids their fruition. The psychiatrist Klaus Conrad (1958) coined the term “apophenia” which he observed in the beginning stages of schizophrenia — but many of us experience it in mild forms.
Apophenia is the tendency to perceive meaningful connections between seemingly unrelated things. In other words, making connections that are not there.
Be careful not to imagine a path that doesn’t exist outside of your nostalgic state. Disappointment in one situation will not translate to all. Your past does not predict or determine your future. You can define the path you’re walking and dare to dream rationally and create a reality that feels good.
Your dreams are the path you’re building in the present.
Step 4: Sidestep the Black Hole
Now, this step is for all you stubborn folk who can’t get unstuck from specific attachments to the past that hold you back.
I’d like to scream from a rooftop those words you need to hear in such cases— but I know that’s not necessarily going to be helpful. Usually, the black hole is guilt, grief, anger, sadness, or shame. And boy, these are the worst sort of feelings to dwell on.
I know, because I rent out an Airbnb in these black holes periodically.
You gotta let the pain go though. Enough is enough. You don’t need to blame yourself and find all the ways that you did wrong. Try to feel whatever it is, and then let it go.
Breathe in until your lungs are full, and then exhale it out. Breathe in compassion for yourself and exhale judgement. Who you are now is wiser than who you were. Trust the process.
It’s water under the bridge, and you gotta keep swimming.
At this point, I feel it is important to note the difference between nostalgia and rumination. Rumination is focusing on the symptoms of one’s distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.This definition is adapted from the Response Styles Theory of Depression proposed by Nolen-Hoeksema.
If you can’t get out of the black hole, a therapist or counselor might be able to help.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re feeling nostalgic for a time when things were better, a place with people you love, or a choice you made that you can’t take back — you’re not alone.
It’s part of the human condition to reflect and try to fit pieces together. We have an innate desire to create meaning from our lives, and for the most part — it’s beautiful.
If your mind is playing tricks on you, and the past is standing in front of your future, I encourage you to use these four steps to take your perspective back to the present.
The truth about nostalgia is that it’s the simple acting of missing the past. The pain that we feel when we miss it doesn’t have to toy with us. As the saying goes:
“Don’t be sad it’s over, be grateful that it happened.”
You can be in the present, dream rationally about the future, and feel reverent gratitude for the experiences that shape you.